Wednesday, September 28

Don't Cry For Me Assignment About Mexico

(...the truth is I'll never finish you.)

Hey Mexico,

I've been checking out your shit.

What's been going down man? Word is you that the FOX has been bringing home the economic and political stability bacon daddy-o. Inflation is down, and the GDP is up! Gold Star!

You're all up in America's grill with that NAFTA thing hey? I know the FOX has been working hard to ensure that you're chief export is frosty cold Coronas, and not illegal immigrants.

I've been reading up on your economic reforms. People are still earning dirt. How cliche is it to say '10% of the population controls 40% of the wealth'? Pretty cliche huh - but that's going down man. You've got some serious inequality problems, but hey, you wont fit in at the OECD if you can't flash that badge at the door.

And how about some financial information websites in English? The rest of the planet would like to know a little more about how exactly your families are paying the bills. I shouldn't have to hire out White Men Can't Jump and suffer through Rosie Perez to get a grasp of your spanish language websites.

There is no point trying to hide your curiously highly levels of underemployment. Oh yeah, that's right, I know what underemployment means - and don't bother pulling the piss with fudging the figures, and counting people who work a single hour a week as being employed, no one is buying that shit.

I've got some worries. You've got some problems with crime. I didn't know how to tell you; Guatemala was all, "hey man, Mexico will be mega pissed if you go him on the crime thing," and I was all, "Fucken cool it Guatemala, you punk bitch, Mexico needs to know this shit."

Seriously, people are getting kidnapped and shit - and not just kids, ADULTS TOO. Do you know how much tourists hate that? One minute you're sight seeing in Mexico City, the next you're being bundled into the boot of a Fiat and driven to an undisclosed location, at which point you are bound, gagged and photographed under some terribly unfavourable lighting. That sucks Mexico - that'd ruin even the maddest holiday.

Do you know how much that kills tourism? Who'd want to hit the mean streets of Mexico with a bum bag on and a passport jammed in your shorts if it means someone was mailing your thumb to your family a week later?

And come on, someone must have been taking the piss when you guys launched a crackdown on drug cartels that wound up arresting piles and piles of military, police and politicians. It's like you rocked up at your house after a late night at the office, you put the key in your front door and walk in, and then your family spring out from behind your furniture with a cake and streamers, screaming - "SURPRISE! YOU ARE DODGY AS FUCK!"

That'd blow, royally.

But I have to say, it looks like after 71 years of oppressive rule by the Institutional Revolutionary Party (How long can a revolution take, seriously, a month? Two months? Not 71 years surely.), you guys have at least tried to get it together on the democracy front. And I'm glad someone finally slipped you guys the note about trying to pay attention to what you spend money on.

All in all, keep on trying tiger, you're doing okay so far, but you've got along way to go. Oh, and, what're you doing Saturday? Want to bring over some tacos and come Coronas? I've got nothing planned except this ridiculous group assignment about your seedy banana republic - let me know.

Cheers, The Student.


Blogger Enny said...

If I call you at night will you rant down the phone to me?

Tres Hott.


1:25 PM  
Blogger The Student said...

I'm glad it's working for someone.

I wouldnt talk me up too soon Enny, I could be the ugliest blogger ever.

1:40 PM  
Anonymous TJ said...

Oh, he's not *that* bad.

A little short, maybe, with a propensity for blonde tips...

but not 'vomit in your muesli' kind of fugly.

4:35 PM  
Blogger The Student said...

And to think I still use you as a 'reference' TJ.

5:10 PM  
Anonymous TJ said...

You do?


You musn't have had many interviews lately then!

Seriously though - for those who haven't met him, he's actually quite a pretty boy.

Incidentally, I'm raiding Melbourne again in a couple of weeks, and I'm not staying out in the boondocks this time.

You up for some drinkies? I still owe you for giving me those vile Beam and Green Cordial shots at the karaoke bar.

Trying to tee up Jellyfish as well.

5:45 PM  
Blogger The Student said...

I should be up for that, yes.

Vodka and Cranberry is on me.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous TJ said...

Such. A. Girl.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Enny said...

Oops. Shoulda checked back here a little earlier.

Thats why I wanted a phone call n not a video-cam.


*hopeful glance*

*delightful squeal as she rushed back into his arms*

7:48 PM  
Blogger The Student said...

Enny, I do read your blog, I do know you have a nicknamed live in parter who's delightful antics you post about.

Don't be making him jealous in here.

9:33 PM  
Blogger Enny said...


The Hun won't swear at me and your only cached in MY lappy


11:19 PM  
Blogger Erica said...

You know you're moving up in the blogging world, Student, when you have groupies. I feel I should start leaving anonymous comments signed from "your secret admirer". And this does not mean I want to get into your pants - I'm still convinced you made that up.

3:49 AM  
Blogger The Student said...

I never knew bagging latin american countries would drive the ladies wild.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Enny said...

Something about the rant jus does it for me - spesh from u mild mannered types ;o)

I've tagged you too, sorry buddy!

11:32 PM  
Anonymous TJ said...

Oh, 'The Student' (man, I can't get used to calling you that) and I go waaaay back.

He's been swinging past and stirring up shit for a LONG time.

11:53 AM  

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